I made coconut bacon yesterday using this recipe from Fettle Vegan. It turned out the way I’d hoped it would turn out, though I was very wise to put half the amount of liquid smoke called for. I like liquid smoke but in the most minimal of amounts. Anywhere, here are some lessons we can all take away from my experience, yours of course may vary!
BUYING COCONUT FLAKES
I bought mine in a nuts shop. As in, a place that sells nuts, legumes, spices, etc etc. Friends, when you see the price is $6.95 per kilo, do not scatterbrainedly say “I’ll have a kilo please” then turn your gaze to your phone to read text messages while you wait. Because if you do, you will see that once you return your gaze to the person filling a bag with 1kg of coconut flakes, IT WILL BE A GIANT BAG. And then you will have to apologise and ask them to put most of it back in the jar.
BAKIN’ THE BACON, #1
Set a timer for every three minutes. This stuff will burn easily if you don’t keep your eye on it.
BAKIN’ THE BACON, #2
Baking with liquid smoke will STINK YOUR HOUSE OUT. As in, when the Australia Post delivery guy comes to your door, he will sniff the air with a wrinkled nose and comment on the smell. I kid you not, you could smell my kitchen from the letterbox.
YOUR CHILD’S SCHOOLWORK
It is never a good idea, in my house at least, to seat your child at the kitchen table with their school work while you cook the bacon. Because, if they’re like Arthur, they will hold their nose closed, make gasping choking sounds with their free hand clutching at their throat and use the strong smell as an excuse to get out of doing maths. [Yes, that’s ‘maths’ with an S on the end. In Australia we don’t say math. As in “I have math homework from my math class”. We say “I have maths homework from my maths class”. I… don’t know why.]
You know when you’re at the beach or in a pool and you somehow do a weird half nose half mouth exhale, so that the water ends up in your nasal passages? Don’t do a weird kind of cough when you’re eating the coconut bacon because then your nasal passages will be filled the fumes of liquid smoke, and it’s not pleasant.
NASAL ASSAULTS: THE RETURN
Now obviously this one will depend on the individual and their innards. But ah, be mindful that hours after the smell has left your house, it maaay stage a return… as in, your partner may enter the bedroom and say “oh gross, can you not eat that bacon in here? It stinks of liquid smoke”. And you’ll be all oh, errr, umm yeah sorry about that. Let’s just say it puts the ‘smoke’ back in liquid smoke.
Anyway… I made some bagels today with a gluten free flour (not worth blogging about as they weren’t that great) and tried my own version of a coconut bacon-lettuce-tomato: